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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23133634">Whitout Reasons</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/SugaryMystery/pseuds/SugaryMystery'>SugaryMystery</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Stagvale [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Original Work</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen, Other</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 07:41:06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,781</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23133634</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/SugaryMystery/pseuds/SugaryMystery</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Our reader moves to a little town looking for new chances to get her life back, only for it to be not as she expected. Things continue turning when she meets Sliez, a grumpy but troubled goblin that came all the way to the town looking for something our reader might have. Will things ever go as planned?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>M Goblin x GN Reader, M Monster x GN Reader, Male Goblin x Gender Neutral Reader, Male Monster x Gender Neautral Reader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Stagvale [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1662847</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Coming to Town</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Moving to a little town was never on my checklist. I’ve lived in the city since I have memory and like many, I’ve grown used to walking a few blocks to buy weekly groceries or take the bus anywhere I needed to be. Here, things are much more complicated to my point of view. There’s a supermarket that’s as small as a convenient store since people prefer to buy their food fresh in the farmers market that’s open twice a week near the central plaza. You end up walking anywhere and only a few locations like the hospital, the old library, and the cemetery need a bus to get there. People will always greet you even if they don’t know you which isn’t that bad but since its a small community it also means that rumors run easily among the people.</p><p>This new and unfamiliar setting was nothing I ever expected I would be in a distant future, yet, here I was. It was all thanks to a post I found about a small house in rent for a really good price yet the town it was in, was so small it was almost invisible too in the maps. I guessed that many had look at it and thought it wasn’t too much of a deal for them, but it was just what I need. I called the number and contacted the guy selling it, he told me we could arrange a meeting in which he could show me the house around but I refused, saying that the picture on the site was enough and that I was interested in moving immediately. This made him a little suspicious but didn’t argue more after that, and in less than a week I was already moving to my new home.</p><p>The house itself was… small. Smaller than I had thought but not enough for needing me to bend down to pass through the door, it didn’t make me feel like I was being crushed and it looked cozy and easy to keep organized. The kitchen was only three worktops with one sink and a stove beside it. There was a small door which led to the smallest bathroom I’ve ever seen with only a toilet and a shower with a dirty mirror. The living room and the dining room were one in the same, luckily there was a perfect spot for my folded table and pair of chairs which were the only furniture I brought with me besides my bag with clothes in it. What I did love instantly was the stair beside the kitchen with led to a ‘’half-second-floor’’ in where was a mattress decorated with knitted cushions and a wide window in the roof.</p><p>I started by sweeping and cleaning the place as best as I could, it was small but there where crooks and little gaps everywhere since it was made from mostly wood. It took me an entire day to finish, I only noticed it was dark when my stomach started grumbling demanding food. I was thinking of ordering something but it was already too late for anything to be open at this hour. I went to bed after eating two chocolate bars.</p><p>The following three went in a blur; I was trying to find a job which wasn’t much difficult since the library and supermarket were hiring, I end up choosing the one closest to my house so I wouldn’t have to pay for the bus. It wasn’t much but enough to help me pay for rent, bills, and food if I managed to buy it from the market. Life was going well. Until I heard a knock at my door.</p><p>It was in the middle of the night; I just came back from the night shift and my feet hurt as if I had a step on stones for the majority of the time, I just wanted to rest in my bed and let the hours pass after eating instant noodles. I sighed a little annoyed, who would be awake at this hour? I looked through the peephole just to make sure I wasn’t going to be robbed after just moving here, I saw nothing and was going to go back to bed and sleep, but I heard a soft cried coming from behind the door. When I opened I saw a basket on the ground covered with a blanket, something was stirring under it. I first thought it could be a kitten or maybe a puppy someone had abandoned?</p><p>The only thing I found under it, was a little green baby crying.</p><p>Three months passed after I found little green bean Nifai, I was feeding her milk when I heard a loud knock in the door. The feeling of Deja Vu hit me and thought of just let whoever was behind the door be, but the knock became louder and more desperate so I had to put Nifai to her basket-like crib I DIY for her, careful so she would fall and leaving the baby bottle in a table.</p><p>I grunted in annoyance again questioning who could be needing anything this early, Nifai being a baby she was constantly hungry and needed to be feed at specific times or that’s what the doctor told me. She was small as a kitten but hungry as a horse.</p><p>I opened the door and to my surprised an angry-looking goblin stood there; his clothes were ripped, he was wearing gloves without fingers and rings in almost all of his fingers, his long ears had many earrings and his hair was long and was hanging loose on his shoulder. He looked at me and crossed his arms, tapping with his left foot. I just looked at him a little stunned for his looks, not in a bad way though.</p><p>‘’Well? Are you gonna let me in or not?’’ he asked, his voice was not as high pitched as I thought it would be.</p><p>‘’Umm, sorry- wait why would I let him in my home?’’</p><p>He grunted something I couldn’t hear well before he looked back at me with a guilty expression. ‘’I asked around and the neighbors told me you have a baby with ya’’</p><p>It was just then when it hit me. He was a goblin, and so I happen to have a goblin baby in my living room. I leaned against the door frame and put a hand on my hip, glaring back at him. ‘’Listen to me first, buddy. I don’t know what kind of person you are or you what you’ll try to convince to be because I don’t care! What kind of animal would leave a defenseless baby alone in the middle of a cold night?! So if you think I’ll just hand her over to you-‘’</p><p>‘’You have them?!’’ his eyes widened in surprise and his angered expression was quickly replaced by a soft and relieved smile. ‘’Is a girl? Is she okay? Can I see? Oh, Gods…’’ it seemed like he was going to cry of happiness.</p><p>Does he doesn’t know her? Was he looking for her? It was everything too confusing, after all, what kind of parent would leave their children out of their sight for more than five seconds? I was too confused for me, and maybe for him too but that wasn’t my concern. The question now was; what to do next?</p><p>Almost as if sensing what was going on we both heard her soft whimpering from the living room, his ears twitched anxiously which was actually adorable. I weighed my options; I didn’t want to risk anything considering I had to put Nifai’s safety as a priority, however… I had a feeling, was the best word to explain it that this gobbling wasn’t lying to me, and like Nifai, he was brought here for a reason. Luckily I knew how to defend myself and if he ever tried anything I could just kick the shit out of him out of my house.</p><p>‘’Follow me. And close the door’’ I said to him leading him inside. Part of my head was screaming at me how much of an idiot I was inviting a complete stranger near Nifai, who knows if he can fight better than you?! I tried to show as much confidence as possible. He followed me inside where she was sitting in her crib, she must have gone bored or too hungry from waiting. As soon as she saw me she starts bouncing and moving her hands up for me to pick her up.</p><p>“Well, aren’t you eager for your meal?” I kissed her tiny finger and she giggled loudly. I sat on a chair I kept close to her, putting a towel across my shoulder and chest, and grabbing the baby bottle which she clings hungrily to it as she sucks every drop of milk in it.</p><p>The goblin just stared at us, a sad and small smile forming in his face. In another context, I would have offered him to hold her or even feed her, but I still didn’t know what kind of relationship he has with her, or even if he was a good person.</p><p>When Nifai finished her bottle I made her burp and rock her for a few minutes before putting her back into the crib, she slowly started to drift into sleep after I rubbed her belly and kissed her odd round noise.</p><p>“She’s so small... much smaller than a regular goblin baby” the gobbling whispered.</p><p>“I took her to the doctor and they told me everything’s fine. She might be smaller than expected but she’s healthy as a horse. That could be the reason why she has such a big appetite”</p><p>After leaving her to rest and we went to the kitchen to sit on the chairs I offered him some coffee. After some hard work I managed to afford one of those fancy coffee makers I often see on TV, it wasn’t that much but got the work done and I could have my daily dose of caffeine. He didn’t seem to be bothered by it, he just kept looking at the ceiling and sometimes back to where her crib was. <em>‘’Is he thinking about taking her and leave?’’</em> I couldn't help but wonder.</p><p>It’s only when I sat down and put the two cups on the table that he started talking again yet the sad expression didn't leave his face.</p><p>“I have questions...” he started</p><p>“I have questions as well” I interrupted him. “Is it okay if I ask first?” He nodded. “What are you?”</p><p>He chuckled. “I’m a goblin, can’t you see?”</p><p>“I mean, what are <em>you</em> from Nifai. Your relationship with her” I clarified to him.</p><p>“Nifai... it suits her. Little Nifai” he smiled</p><p>“You haven’t answered my questions” I glared at him.</p><p>He took a big sip of his cup, wasn’t it too hot? Maybe he was just nervous.</p><p>“I’m... I believe I’m her father...” he admitted a little embarrassed. “Her mother is a halfling, though, must be from her she got her nose and eyelashes. Didn’t know she was pregnant either, she just got mad at me after I told her I didn’t want nothing with her anymore and then she told me that she left the baby that was supposed to be mine where I could never find them”</p><p>“How could you not tell your wife was pregnant?” I asked a little confused.</p><p>“We weren’t married!” He yelled and covered his mouth instantly. Both of us looked back where she slept, thankfully she didn’t make a noise. “We didn’t even like each other that much, it was just a simple affair that lasted a couple of months before she had to leave for college to her city. I never... I never imagined anything like this would happen!”</p><p>I stood up and pour him another cup, he sounded like he really needed a drink but coffee was all I had that time. Better than nothing, I guess.</p><p>“I guess is my turn. You said you found her, did she had anything at all with her? How long was that?”</p><p>I almost drank the entire cup too, and yes the coffee was super-hot.  </p><p>I told him what had happened when I first arrived at this town, omitting many details about why I came here in the first place of course. When I mentioned how I had found her cold and crying on the floor, barely covered with a blanket and obviously very hungry I could see how he clenched his fist clearly bothered and frustrated by it.</p><p>He nervously swallowed. “What did you do then?”</p><p>“I couldn’t believe my eyes my, of course” I chuckled, nervously. “Who would be such an animal to leave a weeks-old baby in the middle of the night?’’ I looked around but saw anything or anyone. When I touched her face she was freezing cold, so I took her inside with me at least to warm her up. We didn’t stay for long, I just check on her if she had any injuries or if she was dirty. She was okay, just cold”</p><p>He sighed, relieved.</p><p>“Once I had warm her up enough I wrapped her in one of my sweaters and went to the hospital, trying to come up with a convincing story to tell. The doctor was a little confused about why I haven’t taken her before but he bought my story of just arriving a few days ago, saying that he had heard about it from the local townsfolk although nobody expected that I had a kid with me this whole time. They did some tests in her and gave me a prescription for fortified formula for babies once I told him a lie about me not being able to produce milk, as well as an appointment with the pediatrician. They were a little suspicious she didn’t have a birth certificate, so I had to come up with something to fill the papers too”</p><p>“And you name her Nifai, because...?”</p><p>“Well… I had a childhood friend while I was in kindergarten. His name was Nif and he was the only other goblin I’ve meet so, I just thought it would make sense” I shrugged.</p><p>He shrugged as well and we fell into an awkward silence. The atmosphere felt even heavier at that moment. True, I had more answers than before but also more questions as well, it was better I ask them before he had to leave. </p><p>“Are you sure? That you’re her father, I mean”</p><p>He scratched his head, confusion clear in his eyes.</p><p>“I don’t know. For all I know it can be some other goblin. That... woman, slept with as many as she wanted, don’t get me wrong that’s fine if that’s what she wants, but I thought she’ll be much more careful about her future too. Then again I was an impulsive idiot too for leaving all the responsibility to her” he clenched his fists once again, hard enough that I was sure he was hurting himself by doing so. I reached for his hand and put it on top of his, he calmed down a little and grabbed my hand.</p><p>“I felt a <em>pull</em> it’s the best word I can find for it, but something told me that I needed to find this baby. Knowing the kind of friends she uses to have around, I knew that I could give that baby a better life... or at least try. I never question it before, or I guess I didn’t care if the child was mine. I just wanted to make sure she was kay and well, safe and not cold”</p><p>I rubbed his hand which was bigger than I expected. I could imagine what kind of thoughts were going through his head; <em>what to do? Where to begin? What can one do in this situation?</em> I had the same thoughts, to be honest.</p><p>“Can I- come back again? To properly meet her?” he asked me with a shakier voice.  </p><p>I look down and bit my lip. I wanted to do what was best for Nifai and he sounded desperate for doing what was right as well. But- for all I know, he could be telling me a huge lie and he was just a really good actor, who knows what his real intentions were once he got close enough to her or earns my trust. I wanted to believe he was telling the truth though, this whole situation seemed too complex to be just a casualty or a made-up story. I looked at him, his golden eyes are begging me without words as he continued holding my hand firmly, there was no need for words but I had to say something first.</p><p>‘’I don’t know what to do either. Three months ago I didn’t even know how to take care of a baby either, and there are still so many things I need to catch up in if I want to be a good parent for her too’’ He nodded silently, looking down at our hands. ‘’But I need to think in what’s best for her. That’s why I’m going to ask for you to take a blood test” He frowned and wanted to argue with me, but I put a finger to his lips, shutting him up. “You need to understand that even though I’m not related by any form I’ve taken care of her, and I intend to keep doing it as well. Please, try to understand the position I am right now”</p><p>He was silent. Not looking at me but at our hands, tangling our fingers without realizing it. It was only when we hear a distant whimper that we let go. He excused himself and attempted to leave, but before he could I instinctively grabbed his wrist.</p><p>“Wait- I still don’t know your name...”</p><p>He looked away, maybe trying to hide the tears on the corner of his eyes. With everything that has happened that day it was not a surprise that he was overwhelmed.</p><p>“Sliez... the name is Sliez”</p><p>“Will you come again? So we can make the test?” I asked in a hurry, fearing that he would disappear if I didn’t ask.</p><p>He didn’t answer, maybe because he didn’t know himself. He gave me a small nod and I let go of his wrist, the whimper in the bedroom became louder.</p><p>“You better go check on her”</p><p>Nifai was still sleeping but wouldn’t stop moving, I touch one of her legs and she was a little cold. I cover her with a folded blanket and she got still in seconds.</p><p>When I came back to the dining room, Sliez was gone. I noticed that he left a piece of paper with a phone number and a message that read; <em>if anything happens to Nifai, please call me. </em>I couldn’t help but smile and feel a little bad for denying him the opportunity to hold her, he truly sounded like a worried father. Still, one can never be too careful especially with babies.</p><p>Three days have pass and I haven’t seen him again. I’ve been thinking about calling him but I don’t want to push him in any way fearing I might scare him away.</p><p>These days have been unadventurous, to say the least. Nifai is doing okay, I still have my job at the supermarket, and little by little I’ve been cooking more real food without ruining it.</p><p>I have to admit that taking care of a baby is harder than I thought, not that I had thought it would have been the easiest task in the beginning but now she seems so much more attached to me than ever. She loves to be held at all times which makes difficult to clean the house and cooking when I leave for work she’s always crying in the arms of the babysitter, the only thing that distracts her is if I have her stuff to play with which is difficult since I don’t have much money so I haven’t been able to buy her many toys. She seems to love my hand mirror with fake jewelry, thought. She’s almost four months old and she already loves shiny stuff.</p><p>I was trying my best to make homemade baby food with potatoes, spinach, and other veggies to save some money when my phone rang. I picked it up without looking at the screen, stirring the pot and checking the timer so the potatoes were well cooked this time.</p><p>“Hello?” I ask.</p><p>“Hey, I’ve been knocking in the door for hours” I recognized the raspy yet rough voice from the other side of the line.</p><p>“Sliez?” I asked.</p><p>“Yes, it’s me. Would ya give me a hand outside? I’m carrying heavy stuff”</p><p>Finally, I heard the knock at the door so I turned the stove off and took my apron off before opening it. I was surprised to see him carrying bags under his arms that were way bigger than him, more unusual than that he was wearing much more casual clothes and his hair was neatly tied back up in a ponytail.</p><p>“Little help here?” He growled, gesturing to the bags.</p><p>I took hold of them, they looked big and were equally heavy but I had no issue lifting them and leaving them inside besides the table. Sliez falls back in one of the chairs obviously exhausted, taking a moment to look around the almost empty place.</p><p>‘’What?’’</p><p>‘’Not be rude or anything but- I thought you’d had more with you’’</p><p>I sigh. ‘’Well, I can’t afford much with the salary I have. Need to pay rent and buy food, diapers too. Anyways, what is in these bags anyways?” I try to change the subject by taking one of the bags and looking inside one of them finding an incredible variety of tiny toys made of wood. “Are this-“</p><p>“Don’t!” He yelled but choke on his own scream, remembering that a baby is in the house as well. His face was blushed a darker green than his skin and his ear lowered considerably. He was... embarrassed?</p><p>“Did you bought them for Nifai?” I couldn’t help but smile as I asked him. This was such a sweet gesture.</p><p>He grumbles something under his breath before answering. “I... made them. For her”</p><p>I picked one of the toys, it was a sort of bracelet with wool balls and a wooden sheep. It was smooth and smelled like mint and lavender. Before saying anything else I stood up and picked up Nifai from her small crib, she was already excited to be held, already bored she began playing with the curls of my hair and Sliez eyes light up when she saw her munching on my hair.  I put her down on the carpet and started laying the toys in front of her. Needless to say, she was overjoyed with having so many things she could touch, Shake and bite.</p><p>He got closer slowly, maybe fearing he might scare her. He sat in front of her and hand her a few toys which she grabbed between giggles.</p><p>The expression on his face was serene and calm as if he finally had reached the inner peace he has been looking for. Then I remember I had to make lunch for her. “Would you mind watching her for a while?” I ask him and he visibly jumps, he glares at me, not in anger but disbelief, even I’m surprised at my own question. Do I already trust him enough to leave him alone with the baby? Is this really a good idea? No logic could be applied to my reasoning, just a feeling that he wouldn’t do something like run away with her between cries. He gives me a nod and I turn to continue blending veggies while roasting some bread for our lunch.</p><p>I’m not experienced in baby food but it turned out better than I had expected, it wasn’t much appealing to an adult but maybe for her would be enough? I had to make two big sandwiches for lunch since I couldn’t leave Sliez behind, also as an apology for not answering the door before. I put the plates in my cheap dining table and went back to get them to eat, I found him lifting Nifai to the air and her giggling and kicking in clear enjoyment. I leaned against the door frame, just looking at them and smiling fondly. There was something so wholesome about these two, something that spoke to me on another level but I couldn’t understand at the moment.</p><p>Sliez started coming more often after that. I was starting to take more shifts in the night now that the bills have become a little bit higher and the more Nifai grew, the more I had to feed her different foods. Unfortunately, there were times I had to be out of the house for long periods of times and that worried me the most. Who would take care of the baby at that time? Paying a babysitter wasn’t trouble anymore since Sliez would easily volunteer if it meant he could get to spend more time with her.</p><p>True, at first I was a little skeptical about leaving him alone with Nifai, and before that, I only left him to watch over her for short periods of time and constantly calling to make sure she was okay. I have to admit that I was acting a little paranoid about the whole issues but he never said anything about it, he understood me and instead of arguing he proved me over the month that he was a person of trust. Eventually, I put my trust in him and allow myself to rest from the worry, learning how good of a friend he could also be.</p><p>The more we spend time together the closer we got and more open he was with me. I remember one particular evening after I came from the morning shift that he had dropped out from school and ran from home as a teenager; he came back after a month of not being able to find a decent job to live well and his mothers pulled both of his ears but welcomed him back into their house. They taught him everything they knew; from how to prepare large patches of soil, to make compost in large and small batches, even how to tell the Ph. of the ground was good enough to plant roses. When he moved here after finding Nifai he got an incredible amount of clients as a gardener which both surprised and excited him, allowing him to get his own apartment.</p><p>I had to admit that he was a little sarcastic most times but I grew to appreciate that side of him, other than that he was both funny and very sweet when he wanted to be. But despite all the good memories we had and the fun chats, there was a topic that was yet to be discussed and he seemed to have forgotten everything about it, so one day I asked him to come to the hospital since Nifai had to be taken a blood test because she got sick. He came running and he held her dearly until the nursed called for us; I enter with them and when the nurse left I told him the truth.</p><p>‘’Nifai is not the only one who’ll be taking this test’’ I said and he turned to me. ‘’You’ll be taken one too’’</p><p>‘’What?’’ he asked clearly puzzled.</p><p>‘’Remember what I asked you when we first met? You probably don’t but I do, and I think is important for both of you if your relationship keeps going’’</p><p>He sat back, maybe feeling a bit betrayed for me for not telling him and to be honest, I had feared he may run away if I had brought it up.</p><p>‘’You can leave if you want-‘’</p><p>‘’No’’ he said firmly. ‘’I’ll do it. I never forgot about it I just- feared things would go away after all this time. Like a messed up version of a fairy tale in which everything would disappear once I got the results back. I still think it will… but you’re right. I must do right for her, and for you too’’</p><p>I grabbed his hand try to smile at him, trying to offer him some comfort when I wanted to burst into tears myself at the frustration and unsureness I fear the most. Nifai cried when the needle got through and I could see Sliez cry as well, but those heavy tears weren’t of pain but fear of losing the daughter he has come to love. A reminder that nothing has the guarantee of lasting.</p><p>We left the hospital without looking at each other; I invite him to stay with us the night and though he refused at first I managed to convince him to at least stay for dinner. He insisted on holding, feeding, and take a nap with Nifai before leaving the house looking down at his feet. I couldn’t sleep that night.</p><p>Three days went by until we got a call from the hospital informing us that the results were ready. I tried to contact Sliez but I was sent to the voicemail so I took the baby and went to the hospital alone. Every step I took felt so heavy and difficult to make, once I had the envelope in my hands with the results inside I felt the urge to drop them in the nearest trash can.</p><p>‘’It doesn’t matter, right? He has been more of a father to her than anybody in the world, isn’t that enough? Do you think you’re not hurting him with so much questioning about his actions? Aren’t the two of you friends already? Is this what friends do to one another? And what if the results say what he fears the most? Will you take the baby away? You’re terrible…</p><p>All of these thoughts were making me feel dizzy and overwhelmed. I wanted to fell onto my knees and let the dirt swallow me, I felt so terrible and guilty, so bad and so sad, I just wanted everything to stop for a moment. Before I could notice I was crying and so was Nifai, I had to stop in a nearby bench just so the two of us could calm down a little before coming back home.</p><p>I called Sliez that night; he picks it up thankfully and came to the house by ten o’clock. He looked restless and tired, I try to offer him something to eat but he just told me he felt nauseous because of the nerves. We sat at the table and I offer him the envelope.</p><p>‘’Can you- read it?’’ he asked me with shaky hands. ‘’I don’t think I can on my own’’</p><p>I nodded and unfolded the paper. I didn’t want to read it all but summoned all the courage I had, at the top it just had written some basic data of the two of them, then, at the bottom of the page was the result. I looked back at them and folded the paper once again.</p><p>‘’Sliez… you’re not her father’’</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Coming Together</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>After realizing the heartbreaking truth, Sliez needed to decide what would he do next. Will he still be part of Nifai's life or destiny will pull their family apart?</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Life seemed to have left his body after I said those words. He quickly grabbed the papers and read them over and over again. Putting a hand to his forehead he continuously shook his head in negation, refusing to take what was written as anything but a mistake. <br/>‘’This can’t be… I-I, I thought- I truly believed-’’ he chokes on his own words, unable to get the words out of his throat. <br/>I could only sit there and watch him being overwhelmed by the heartbreaking realization. I knew this concerned me in a way, yet the whole issue was between the two of them, and I had made the situation even worse. ‘‘But I had to make sure’’ a part of my mind tried to argue, just to quickly be deceived with the question ‘’did I really have to?’’ adding more guilt to the mixture of regrets.<br/>What kind of words can be spoken to offer comfort in situations like this? What kind of powerful and meaningful phrase can erase the frustration? What was I supposed to even say besides a pitiful ‘I’m sorry’ I could offer.<br/>He sighed and tried to force a smile at me. ‘’You know, the moment I saw her I knew she was way too beautiful to be related to such an ugly creature like me’’ he tried to laugh.<br/>‘’Sliez. I-‘’ he lifted his hand to stop me.<br/>‘’Please stop. I don’t want to hear anything you have to say now. I need… I need time to process this if there’s anything else to do at this point’’<br/>I wanted to reach for him. I wanted to break those damn paper, burn them and bury them in the ground to never spoke of it again just so we could go back to what we were before. He stood up and walked towards her crib, gently hugging her and kissing the top of her while whispering; ‘’you’re going to be alright. That’s enough for me’’ before tucking her back and leaving through the door without saying goodbye to me.<br/>I grabbed the papers and finally threw them to the trash, right where they belong before going to the bathroom before going to sleep. I laugh bitterly at my reflection, this bitterness I feel is the one of self-sabotage. I wanted to be happy so badly, I wanted to get back what was taken from me all those years ago, but once I had the chance to get it… I threw it away. I truly I am… stupid.</p><p> </p><p>Over a week has passed since we last knew anything from him. I figured he needed some alone time to think what to do, reflect if this would make such a big difference, and, as much as I didn’t want to think about it, if he even wanted to come back to our lives. I tried calling him many times after but it always ended up sending me to the voicemail, I didn’t know where he lived and even if I knew I didn’t have time to go make him a visit. The suspense was killing me, the worry even more.<br/>Since I couldn’t contact him I gave up eventually, occasionally leaving him a message just to tell him how Nifai was doing and that he could come anytime. I had to hire another babysitter to cover most of my night shifts; of course, I didn’t want Sliez back with us so I would have to pay one, I wanted desperately to see him again and Nifai missed him too. They would often go on Sundays near the central plaza just for a stroll which she loved, now she has to be held even most constantly to be calm, is like she sensed that he wouldn’t be coming any time.<br/>On a very difficult day in which I almost get in the middle of a fight between customers and having to clean all the juice aisle by myself, I realized I wasn’t in the best mood to go back to my home yet, I didn’t want the baby to see me as a monster because I can’t get a hold of my feelings. I know how that feels and I know how kids can be affected by an adult's actions... So I asked my boss to give me the night shift too so I could get a hold of myself and relax a little, worrying about stuff the next day.<br/>I made a call to the babysitter and asked her to stay for a little longer than expected and the day continued unadventurously; I restocked the shelves, cleaned the aisles, took the shift of the night cashier, and closed everything before I left. It felt nice to feel the night breeze, looking up I never noticed before how beautiful the night sky was, the stars seemed to be dancing in a never-ending sea. I quickly looked down and whispered to myself; ‘’Stars shouldn’t be looking this beautiful after everything that has happened. And surely I shouldn’t be smiling back at them’’. I walked back home looking at my feet the entire time. <br/>I was surprised to find the house alone with just a note from the babysitter saying she had a personal issue she had to take care of and couldn’t wait for me anymore, along with her bank number to make the transaction later. I went to see Nifai with a smile on my face, she was moving a lot, kicking her little legs and moving the soft blanket away from her little form. I assumed she would have been bored and cold for waiting, but to my horror, the moment I touched her face she was burning with fever. <br/>Her little green face was all blushed, her head and tiny hands were all hot yet her little feet were a little cold, what worried me the most were that she continued kicking and whimpering in discomfort, the moment I went to rub her belly I noticed it was swollen. I didn’t know what had happened or what to do, I started panicking the more she continued whining.<br/>There was no time to panic, I needed help so I took her to the hospital like I did when I first found her. We took the bus to get faster, I tried to rock her to slow her now soft cries as they resonated through the bus. As if out of habit I pulled my phone to call Sliez, only to stop right in the action. ‘‘What was the point now? Wasn’t this why I end up pushing him away? Do you think he’s going to answer you after practically telling him in his face that you don’t trust him?! Don't be ridiculous, he’s never coming back’’. My thoughts started accumulating in my head like garbage, I was only able to snap out of them when Nifai grabbed my phone out of curiosity, her crying slowing for the moment. <br/>I marked the number, waited, and waited until the line went dead and I was sent to the voicemail again. ‘’Sliez, I’m sorry for everything. I know you must hate me right now but- I’m taking Nifai to the hospital, she’s not well and I don't know what to do. I’m, I’m so scared too. I-’’ and the line went dead. I didn’t notice I was crying, it didn’t matter to me at this point. <br/>I rushed inside to urgencies, asking for help from the nurse behind the desk. A doctor called her name but at the time I was too hysteric which made Nifai cry even louder, the doctor asked the nurse to take me outside the waiting room for a moment and giving me a glass of water. I sat in the waiting room, alone and still shaking. All different scenarios were the doctor will call for me telling me they to operate her, that she needs expensive medicine I can’t afford, or that she’s gravely sick would run in my mind. I couldn’t help but wonder if this is how a parent should feel or if I’m just overreacting, she might have just a simple cold yet I feel the sky is falling on me.<br/>I hear the rush of step from the distance, turning I see a familiar goblin storming through the door, his face was covered in sweat and he was clearly out of breath. He sees me and rushes towards me, I sat up and open my arms happy to embrace him, happy to have someone here with me.<br/>‘’How’s Nifai? Is she well? Is she sick?’’<br/>We sit back and explain everything back to him, that didn’t tranquilize him at all. We were both looking at the door, he started tapping the floor with his right foot at how impatient he was growing. Once we got called by the nurse and enter the examination room we both saw Nifai gently sleeping in the doctor’s arms.<br/>Sliez smiled at the adorable picture, the doctor smiled back. ‘’I guess you’re the father of this sleeping beauty’’<br/>He gulped and looked away, is still a sensitive topic but I quickly stepped forward and answered with a loud ‘yes!’, to which he just nodded with a blush in his cheeks.<br/>‘’She probably has a virus which is why she had such a high fever’’ he proceeded to explain to us. ‘’It should last between three to five days, however if it continues please come back immediately. She was experiencing some bloating too so it would be good to consider smaller feeding portions, also’’ and he handed me a list of foods. ‘’you should consider avoiding these specific foods for at least a week until the bloating stops’’<br/>We were sent back home with some medication for the fever and a tired baby in my arms, although once out of the hospital the two of us didn’t know what to say to the other. So many questions, so many regrets, and so much awkwardness. I was glad that he broke the silence first.<br/>‘’Want to come to my place? Is closer and I have some instant coffee too’’<br/>‘’Yeah, please’’<br/>Sliez apartment was much tidier than I expected with an open concept with the kitchen to a side, the furniture were regular ones with a large couch and a huge TV, instead of a table the kitchen worktops worked as a both with seats on the opposite side. He had not many decorations in the walls but he kept it clean and smelling like orchids, there were all kinds of succulents around too.<br/>‘’Make yourself at home. There’s coffee on the upper shelves’’<br/>I thought he would have asked to hold the baby but he seemed hesitant. I left her napping on the couch beside him while I got the kettle started, grinning when I saw that he had labeled all the spices inside the shelves. Once again we fell into an uncomfortable silence, not really knowing how to start a conversation but dying to spoke our minds off.<br/>‘’I’m sorry’’ I started by saying what I think is the most important. ‘’I know I hurt you by literally making you take the test, I truly trust you. I swear I do but, I don’t know why I insisted so much, maybe a part of me thought it would be for the best for Nifai’’ I laughed bitterly. ‘’But look at me now, can’t do much when she’s sick without panicking in tears’’<br/>‘’Ya did what you think was best for her. That spoke highly of you and even now I know your intentions were for the best for her. I knew that, under your care, she’ll be in hands’’<br/>‘’I leaned against the wall. ‘’But I hurt you, didn’t I?’’<br/>He nodded. ‘’It did, like a fucking knife right at my chest. But I can’t blame ya for it, I got scared and pushed myself out of the picture on my own, those were my issues that kept me from opening my mouth of coming back to your house. So don’t take guilt for it, okay. We’re both sorry but’’ he cut himself before finishing. I walked to him to embrace, a hug which he did not return for a moment.<br/>“I felt many things, to be honest. I felt angry and guilty, I felt betrayed but it made sense to me too, I even felt relieved in some way too, but I mostly felt unsure... I didn’t know what were you truly thinking about me, I wasn’t sure if I could come back, after all, we weren’t related at all and it was only my fault that I had wasted months trying to find a baby that wasn’t even my responsibility to begin with. In the end; I was hurt, you hurt me... but I couldn’t blame in any way, and I still don’t want to”<br/>I let my tears flow, tightening my embrace.<br/>“I’m sorry Sliez, for hurting and doubting you. I should have put the doubts aside instead of letting my worries get the worse of me!”<br/>He chuckled but choke on it as he started to sob gently. The moment he returned the embrace I could feel it. All those sleepless nights and tiresome days were the guilt and regret ate him from the inside, all those horrible scenarios he would picture happening if he didn’t find him, and all the regrets he would have to live with if he wasn’t able to find closure to this. It was like carrying a heavy backpack, and the moment he heard me saying those words he must have felt like he was almost a fool of carrying weight it wasn’t his, and all the dreams and hope that came inside of it fell too. Frustration was the best word to describe it, and I can understand that feeling very well. I feel like a fool for not comprehending this in the beginning.<br/>“You know, it really feels as if a spell was a broken. I thought I felt this pull because I had such a strong connection with her, only to find out we weren’t connected at all”<br/>“Don’t say that!” I yell. “You may not be related through blood but she loves you so much! She only started eating kale because she saw you eating it for salad, she loves to play with the toys you made for her and have become her favorites, and sometimes no matter how long I rock her to sleep she only wants to take her nap with you singing to her... don’t say that you don’t have a connection with her because it’s a lie. You’re her favorite person... and mine too”<br/>He smiled but made an effort to hide his face. “You two are my favorite people too” he admits with a dark blush and little tears on the corner of his eyes.<br/>The more we cried I could feel how the guilt and pain started to melt, letting the bad memories become words in the sand as the sea erase them with each gentle wave. I knew I couldn’t forget this, it was meant to hurt so we would remember that trust is important for us, but that didn’t mean that we wouldn’t let the wound heal. I knew I wanted him back into our lives, I knew we could make this work for Nifai, and us too.</p><p> </p><p>Things went on and Nifai was growing like a sprout. She had already started crawling at full speed all over the small house and reaching whatever her tiny hands could find. This made feeding time much more of a disaster than before, she loved to feel the different textures and taste new flavors though.<br/>For a moment I thought things would go straight forward after this, but there were little details I was purposely avoiding to think about. The guy who rented the place started sending me emails in these last months about raising the rent by 10% which was odd in the first place but I just figured it would be nothing I could do about it, then it came another telling me it would be 15%, and a lot one telling me it could be at least 20%. I didn’t want to admit that I would be able to pay rent anymore, somehow I was so worried about the baby that I excused myself on everything I could if it meant not thinking about it too long.<br/>After six months of living in the house, I got an email from my landlord informing me that, due to personal issues, he had to raise the rent up to 30% more than our usual deal. I panicked knowing that I wouldn’t be able to pay it no matter how many shifts I took, I would have to find another job but I couldn’t leave Nifai alone for so many hours straight. The feeling of safeness that I once felt was slowly fading like sand between my fingers, everything felt blurry and I couldn’t hear anything else in the world but the loud thoughts in my head.<br/>“What am I going to do? Where am I going to live now? What job could I take? Where am I going to take the money from? Everything is going to start over again. I need to pay rent! I need to pay bills! I need to buy food! I need to save money for her future too! I need to take care of Nifai, they’re going to take her away from me?! What am I supposed to DO?!”<br/>In the distance I could hear something else, two sets of noises both equally loud yet my body froze and I couldn’t even breathe. Then, two sets of hands grab my shoulders and shake me back to my senses.<br/>“Hey! Snap out of it!” I blink and see Sliez in front of me, I just noticed I had been laying on the floor. “What happened? Are you hurt?” he sounds so desperate. I reach my hand to touch his cheek, it’s warm and he smells like flowers and wet soil. I wrap my arms around him in desperation, breathing out relieved that he’s here and so am I. He just stays there, arms unsure where to stay and his long ears twitch a little which I found funny and couldn’t help but giggle between heavy sobbing. <br/>I needed to calm down, I took deep breathes and tried to push any loud thought to the back of my head just enough so I could sense my surrounding. My heart was hammering at full speed, I was already out of breath and feeling like passing out but Sliez never let go of me, he just let me cling to him as I tried to recover. When Nifai starts winning I finally let go of him and rush to aid her, and after changing her diaper I brought her to the living room where Sliez was preparing coffee for both of us. <br/>I told him what had happened, a part of me feared that he may think that I was crazy because I freaked out about something like that and knowing how sarcastic he could be I was expecting some sort of commentary. But he didn’t; he just looked between his cup and Nifai playing on the carpet before breaking the silence.<br/>“Does this happen often to you? This- I don’t know how to call them, to be honest”<br/>“Panic Attacks?” He shrugs. “No, I haven’t had one of these in a year. That was actually the reason I moved out to be honest”<br/>He scratched the back of his neck, clearly struggling to find the right words. After five minutes he spoke again.<br/>“Can I ask- what happens? For you to have this attacks?”<br/>I wasn’t surprised about the question; in a way, I’ve come to like Sliez and hoped he also saw me as a friend at least. A part of me wanted to be honest about it just so we could be more open about our issues, he even told me his entire story before we had a chance to properly meet, and if Nifai can benefit from us having a better relationship and giving her a good example, it’s a win-win situation. I put my cup down and lean back on the couch, I’ve been meaning to talk about this but that doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy.<br/>“I grew up like any other kid, I suppose. I had a family, I went to school, I had friends and life was normal. Then, my dad started having issues with money, we couldn’t pay the rent at the time and started accumulating debts, I had to put aside my dream of going to college just so I could find a job and make enough money to buy food for the week while I had to often face the people my father owned money, everything seemed so awful. Dad started drinking as a way to cope with everything which didn’t help at all, sometimes he would find where I hid the money and spend it on beer of some liquor they would have in sale”<br/>I saw how his fists clenched, something he does when he gets frustrated for things.<br/>“Don’t get me wrong, he wasn’t some abuse parent who hit his woman and child, he drank a lot but never did anything to hurt us. He just stopped doing anything at all actually and started drowning every night in his favorite drinks so he could dream of the perfect future we one day would have. My mom couldn’t stand it and went back to her sister’s house, so I was left alone in that worn-out house with my pass out dad; I would wake up early to work then come back at night just to be yelled by the landlady, always threatening us with kicking us out in the streets. I believe I started having panic attacks because of the heavy stress I was under”<br/>I took another sip on my coffee, it was bitter but I didn’t mind the taste at all.<br/>“How did you get away anyways?” He asked me.<br/>I closed my eyes for a moment. “My dad had lost himself a long time ago, I was still in contact with my mom and she had offered me to stay with her and my auntie, but who would take care of my dad then? Who would clean the house, make food, and pay the rent when he can only drink his existence away? I was so conflicted. One night after coming back from the midnight shift I found him passed out in his own vomit, he had also pissed himself and no matter how much I yelled he wouldn’t answer. The neighbors called an ambulance and I spent the night with him in the ER, he eventually woke up confused and a little hungry, the doctor came and explained that he probably had fallen and hit his head which explained the concussion and recommended stay away from alcohol for a while”<br/>“You don’t understand, doctor’’ he said bitterly but with a smile in his face. ‘’There’s no reason for me to change who I am at this point”<br/>“Those words were what made me realize how selfish he truly was. I worked so hard and stayed beside him because I loved him still, yet, he didn’t care about changing because apparently there was no reason to?! I wasn’t enough of a reason for him to finally stand up and get his shit together!”<br/>I realized I was raising my voice, Sliez was looking at me with a painful expression. I shook my head and looked away to continue.<br/>“I left him a letter with a nurse at the hospital saying that I could not tolerate this life anymore. I took what was left in the apartment as well as my last payment and took the next bus to take me as far from the city as possible. And the rest is just as you know it; I found this house on rent and moved here, I found the baby, I met you, and now I’ll be having to find another place to live again”<br/>Silence fell in the living room, even Nifai seemed to have stopped giggling. I couldn’t look at Sliez now, I wanted to open up to him about what had happened but now I felt so stupid and embarrassed for everything I feared he may think bad of me. That’s when I felt his hand on mine, his thumb gently rubbing my palm.<br/>“I’ll help you get through this” he said.<br/>“You have no reason to do so” I reply and he chuckled.<br/>“You adopted a baby in your doorstep without reason; you let me come visit her even though I’m not her real father, and now you’re going to let me help you because I DO have many reasons to do so’’<br/>I turn to look at him, he was smiling tenderly and my vision got blurry with heavy tears I was trying to hold. Nifai came to my feet and held her arms up for me to carry her, her tiny little green hand touched my eyes as my tears continue flowing. “We’ll be okay” I whispered as I held her close to me and Sliez embraced both of us.<br/>“We’ll be okay. I promise”. The three of us took a nap all curled up on the sofa, safe in our shared bubble of hope.</p><p> </p><p>The rent was too high to pay and to be honest the house wasn’t worth the price anymore. We had to move out of the house by the end of the month and my mind was freaking out again at the prospect of instability, but Sliez kept his promise and allowed us to go live with him in his apartment until we could afford a place of our own. We end up making a routine and diving the days to know who will stay in the house taking care of the baby, and who would go and work, a routine that we managed to work just fine for us and he was delighted to spend as much time pampering Nifai as possible.<br/>Since winter was coming close he wouldn’t have as much work as in the other seasons which meant that he would only leave the house to remove the snow from the streets of parking lots or take care of the greenhouse of the university nearby. I didn’t have much work then but I had managed to save enough money to look for an apartment on my own<br/>However, there was a question still lingering in my head. Will I have to leave  Nifai behind? It isn’t fair that I take her away from him after everything he had done for us. Does that mean that once I move out he’ll forget about me too? Is not like he had any obligation to do so, we are just friends who had been there the worst of situations and still managed to laugh, is nothing more than that... right?<br/>I felt so dumb for feeling hopeful about anything. Sliez was still young and he clearly had intentions of having fun and enjoy life while I was in my thirties and still working in restaurants or supermarkets to survive. He could have a better mate, I knew that, and Nifai could have a better parent too. That was the truth but still felt so heavy in my heart.<br/>Sliez came that night with his uniform wet, I hadn’t noticed it has started to snow so I rushed to handed him a towel. Maybe it was because of habits but he took off his shirt right in the living room not bothered that I was right there, my cheeks went red from embarrassment and I tried to look away but my eyes were glued to his form. The skin on his back had freckles of a much darker moss green color, the muscles on his back were beautiful to watch, and he had a tattoo of a tiger on his left shoulder.<br/>“Hey! Don’t stare!” He yelled his face equally flustered.<br/>“Sorry!” I had to cover my face because I couldn’t look away.<br/>“You can laugh if you want” he mumbled. “I know goblins aren’t much of the liking of humans” he snarled.<br/>I didn’t understand where that comment came from. “Sliez, that’s not what happened. I was just, surprised- that’s all. I’m sorry if I offended you”<br/>He continues drying his chest and back. “Is not just that we are small, our hands, our ears, our voices even. Humans always look down of us, literally, that’s why I fooled around with Nifai’s mother, she treated me like an equal for the first time, even if it was only for a short time I liked that feeling”<br/>I stopped for a second, I knew that this wasn’t about me but I couldn’t help but ask. “Do I make you feel the same way as with other humans?”<br/>He turned to look at me shocked. In another context, he would be embarrassed but I believe he was thinking the same as me. He looked around as if trying to find an answer painted on the walls. “That’s not- No, you don’t make me feel like that, being with you feels oddly different. Much more wholesome even, but you wouldn’t-“ he stopped mid-sentence and shook his head. “That’s just stupid for me to think”<br/>“What?” I urge him taking a step closer to him, hands close to my chest and eyes glimmering with little hope I have left. “Please tell me” I say to him in a pitiful voice.<br/>He sighs in annoyance yet I know he’s not angry, this is hard, embarrassing, and difficult for both of us. He asked me to sit with him in the table and he took hold of my hand in his, I never get tired at how he laces our finger together.<br/>“I’ve grown... fond of you. You’re my friend, and that alone was hard for me to admit. But you’re a human, you could have anyone you could want in this town and make a family of your own if that’s what you want, but you’re here with me. You have helped me be... better. Feel better and as time goes and I get to see you every morning smiling-“ he looks right into my eyes and I swear my heart stops for a moment. “I’m afraid I’ve fallen in love with you”<br/>There was no time to waist, no second to let everything sink in, there was no need for words or actions more than already has been done. I threw myself over the table so I could reach for him and kiss him, capturing him like a wild animal would capture its prey. We both fell on the floor and almost break the chair between heavy kisses and relieved tears of joy. After a while, we break the kiss and try to catch our breaths.<br/>“Sorry, don’t know what has gone into me” I laugh nervously. He brushes my hair aside and kisses my nose.<br/>“Don’t be, I was sure I was going to do or say something stupid so I’m glad you did it first” I snorted and fell on top of him, not crushing him but cuddling to his chest and listen to his heart. His arms locked around me, making me feel safe and close. He smells like coffee grains, soil, and everything that makes me feel safe in a place I can call home. ‘’So… does this mean we have to get married? I mean, I like you. Like, a lot, and I can’t imagine anyone else who I’d rather spending my life with. Weddings are expensive thought’’ he grimaced and kissed his cheek.<br/>‘’We don’t need to. I much rather spend my days knowing you’re beside me than having a certificate telling me what I already know’’<br/>‘’And, what about Nifai? What would the other kids say about us?’’<br/>I smile. ‘’That she has two parents that love her very much, that they would run miles if she’s sick, that would make her laugh when she’s sad, and that will always make her know that as long as we stay together everything is going to be fine’’<br/>He kissed me again, long and sweet until we hear giggles coming from around the corner. Nifai seemed to be cheering us with her little hands.<br/>We all lay on his massive bed, Nifai happily playing with my curls as she slept between us. My heart felt so warm and so big, there was so much love in it to give to my family and I was happy and grateful because I knew they loved me very much too. I knew I wanted to be better and get better too, I knew I wanted to leave the fear and dread behind so I could finally enjoy and show my child that happiness is for everyone and it costs nothing. I fell asleep with eagerness for the future, an old feeling that my heart gladly welcomed again.</p>
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